Eric’s Question: My husband’s “no friends” rule worries me about our children

Dear Eric: My husband has told our children that they cannot have any friends in our house. They can play in the yard and that’s it. I don’t know how to deal with this or what to say when it’s our “turn” to host our children’s friends. I have hosted friends at movie theaters, arcades, etc., but never at our house.

My husband is retired and seems to prefer to always be at home, away from others. I accepted this when we got married because he doesn’t mind me going out and being around people if I need to.

We didn’t have children until we had been married for a few years and now I’m worried that our children will suffer because of this strange (in my opinion) rule. His family did not have what I consider traditional habits, such as eating meals together, spending holidays together, or doing things that my children and family enjoy.

I don’t want to discourage my husband by forcing him to help host the other children. I love him and understand that he is not very sociable, but I also want my children to be able to play the role of host. I think this is an important social skill (they are 11). Any suggestions?

— Children home alone

Dear children: Part of this is negotiating shared parental responsibility. I am concerned that you are taking on more responsibility than you should and that your husband may not be supporting you in your shared goal of ensuring your children’s social development.

If you both agree that having friends will help your children feel a sense of belonging, develop cognitively, and improve their social skills, and that knowing your children’s friends will help you both be better parents, then you owe it to yourselves to talk about how this can happen happen.

Maybe he feels that he has already done enough by letting his friends into the yard. It’s worth noting that you’re still planning trips. Is this something he can help with or initiate on his own?

Many parents are introverted and/or don’t want the house to be full of their children’s friends. That’s totally fine. A child’s development does not require the presence of friends at all. But friendship is important, and the ways in which you maintain it will develop and change as your child enters the teen years.

This is a great opportunity for you and your husband to re-evaluate how parenting is changing in your lives and change the way you do it as a team. Don’t let other people’s expectations of you and your children’s social calendars dictate this conversation. Instead, be open to what’s important to you – whether it’s inviting friends over when they’re not home or simply eating more meals together. He doesn’t have to be human, but the people in his house have needs too. He can and should show up at your place.

Dear Eric: This is a response to someone who unexpectedly lost the love of their life and was unaware of their other romantic interests with other women (“Gripped by Grief”). This woman should definitely be seen by a gynecologist for possible exposure to sexually transmitted diseases. After 30 years of working in an OB/GYN office, it was very common for women who had sexual contact with multiple partners to have abnormal smears and other sexually transmitted infections.

—Concerned Reader

Dear Reader: This is good advice. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, sexually active people with risk factors such as new partners, multiple partners, or a partner who has an STI should be tested at least once a year. The letter writer was unknowingly in a relationship with someone who had multiple partners, so it would be wise to seek testing (free and low-cost options can be found at gettested.cdc.gov) and talk to your doctor as soon as possible.

Dear Eric: I just wanted to add something to the conversation about Gripped with Grief finding out that their partner had multiple girlfriends after his death. They experience complex, disenfranchised grief. They could benefit from contacting a grief counselor in their area. As a hospice social worker, I know that no amount of talking to friends or family, OR informing people about her partner’s lifestyle, will replace a real grief counselor when someone experiences this type of combined grief, betrayal, and disenfranchisement of “normal” grief.

— A long road to healing

Dear Healing: Absolutely. In addition to the tests suggested in the letter above, the letter writer should take time to process the feelings that arise in connection with the specialist or support group. Many state and local governments have resource pages where you can find help. Additionally, searchable databases of groups and advisors are available PsychologyToday.com.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)