It took me decades to feel angry

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Anger he wasn’t emotion it was allowed in the house I grew up in. The emotion was there, hanging in the air like a dark cloud; there was just no way anyone could admit it. My father dealt with his anger by drinking Johnnie Walker Red, starting each evening in the bar car of the Long Island Railroad, and then sitting at the family table with a glass of the amber liquid next to his plate.

The rest of us – my mother, younger brother and I – sat in silence, the sounds of our chewing and swallowing audible in the silence. I brought a book to dinner and read under the table until my brother protested vehemently. Then I started reading every line of writing on the orange juice container night after night.

I grew up fearing anger. I didn’t want to get angry at anyone and I tried my best to make sure no one felt angry at me. Borders they didn’t exist. My fear anger was closely related to my fear of abandonment and rejection, hallmarks of a borderline person personality disorder. One of DSM-5 borderline criteria personality BPD is defined as “inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of anger, constant anger, repeated physical fights).”

A 2017 study published in Limits in psychology found that “patients with BPD have been reported to experience an intolerable amount of anger, given their tendency to perceive personal threats in the outside world, mainly in close relationships, due to both temperamental and early developmental factors. traumatic experience in attachment matrix.”

When I was diagnosed with BPD, although “silent BPD” wasn’t a concept yet, I think I tended towards silent BPD. As Imi Lo wrote on this site: “You hide your anger sometimes to the point where you don’t realize it when you’re angry.”

My fear and extreme avoidance of anger continued for decades, well into my 50s. My father was alcoholic when I was growing up; although he got sober when I left home for college, we had a conflicted relationship. In my 40s, I took a job at a clinic 15 minutes from where I grew up. Shortly after starting work there, my father began to decline, first physically and then cognitively, so after work I did his banking and grocery shopping for him. I did these things mainly out of a sense of duty, not love. He would thank me, but at the same time criticize my efforts in the same breath.

When he died, I thought I would feel relieved and finally at peace, but instead I was hit migraine which took four months. At the same time, I found myself in a difficult situation depression. Eleven months after my father’s death, I made my fourth suicide attempt. That was 10 years ago.

The same study cited above found that “the fragile sense of self and extreme dependence on a significant other in which BPD patients feel trapped often leads these patients to transform outward manifestations of rage into self-harm.”

After the suicide attempt, the two most intense years were the most intense therapy I’ve ever experienced. I was able to accept the rage and resentment I felt after my father’s death. I have worked hard all my life to hear these words “I’m proud of you” came out of his mouth, and when he died, I realized the opportunity was lost forever.

With the help of my psychiatrist, Dr. Lev, I was able to allow myself to be angry for the first time: at my father, at my mother, and finally at Dr. Lev. I told her that I loved her and that I hated her. And the world didn’t end. We worked on my ability to acknowledge and verbalize my anger before my desire to self-destruct reached its peak.

It took decades to overcome my fear of anger and, unfortunately, the death of my father and a suicide attempt. Now, when I feel angry, I no longer risk my emotional and physical health because I can admit my feelings. I don’t necessarily have to do anything with anger because I can tolerate the feelings and I know they will pass. I spend time trying to understand why I’m angry, and when I do, I feel like I’ve solved a puzzle. It’s a nice feeling of accomplishment. Years of creation.

If you or someone you love is considering suicide, seek help immediately. For 24-hour support, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 or contact the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741. To find a therapist in your area, visit Psychology Today therapy directory.