Eric’s Question: He is mourning the loss of his friend and is confused by his widow’s silence

Dear Eric, I had a good friend who died last year. We knew each other for over 50 years. We met as often as we could, and I talked to him often.

He was sick, so I visited him as much as I could. After he died, I offered to help his wife with funeral arrangements because they didn’t do anything. I didn’t hear any response.

We found out about the funeral from the Internet. We sent flowers and cards; We never received any response. We called and left messages the same way. We sent cards for masses, holidays and birthdays. No response.

We hear from other friends that she is fine. We don’t understand her behavior and we don’t know what else we can do. What’s your advice?

—The Perplexed Friend

Dear Confused: I’m sorry for the loss of your friend. I know his wife’s silence makes this loss even worse. The silence also makes it difficult to understand what is happening on her end. A likely explanation is that her sadness makes it difficult to talk to you, forces her to withdraw, or simply makes logistics more difficult.

It’s hard to take, but it’s not about who you are. Grief is complicated and often malicious; it takes us out of ourselves.

Unfortunately, there’s nothing more you can do to strengthen your connection. For now, it’s important to recognize her silence as a boundary and respect it. You’ve shown your support in many ways, but if it’s not what she wants or needs, the most supportive thing you can do is to withdraw lovingly.

Dear Eric: I would like to add something to your response to “No Poker Face,” a 60-year-old white guy who asked how he should have responded to an old friend’s racist comments.

I highly recommend the Southern Poverty Law Center’s downloadable PDF collection titled “Speak Out: Responding to Everyday Bigotry.” Speak Up, formerly a book, is a treasure trove of examples of how to respond to all-too-familiar situations, from Thanksgiving dinner to work and everywhere in between.

—Hard talk

Dear Conversation: Thank you for reporting this. What a great resource.

Dear Readers: On November 10, 2024, I am excited to join psychologist Dacher Keltner and creative entrepreneur Mali Bacon in a public conversation about gratitude at the Spirit & Place Festival in Indianapolis. More information can be found at Spiritandplace.org. I hope you will join us!

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)