Eric’s Question: I felt hurt and unappreciated that my company did not send sympathy messages after my mother’s death

Dear Eric: When I learn of the death of someone I know, I send my condolences. I appreciate the many cards I received after my husband’s death, as well as the one kind friend who made a donation to a charity we support.

However, when my mother died two years ago after a long, incurable illness, I received only one card from a friend and only a few verbal thanks where I work.

I have seen thank you emails from other employees for the gifts and flowers they received from the company for births and minor illnesses, but I feel hurt and unappreciated that I didn’t even receive an expression of sympathy.

It seems that in this workplace we do not acknowledge death; Are flowers or a small donation to the charity mentioned in Mom’s obituary, or perhaps just a tangible expression of sympathy, asking too much of an employer? I haven’t expressed my disappointment to my management, but I still feel hurt and are thinking about leaving. Are my expectations unrealistic?

– Unknown grief

Dear Grief: I am so sorry for the loss of your mother and husband. Grief is hard enough to navigate on your own; it’s worse when you feel like no one sees it.

You write that you only received one card from a friend, so I’m curious if your feelings about lack of recognition at work are compounded by the more amorphous pain of not being recognized by your group of friends.

This means that sadness grasps at what is available. Both can hurt, but going to the office every day and thinking about what you want to happen can keep quitting smoking at the forefront of your mind. Your expectations are not unrealistic – we are human, even when we are registered, and we should show empathy and kindness. But instead of quitting, talk about your feelings at a grief counselor or grief support group.

When you’re ready, consider talking to your leadership team about how the workplace can better support other bereaved employees in the future. They can’t fix what they haven’t done for you, but if you have the power, you can help change the culture for others.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Keep following him Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.