Validation touches on our sense of self

My patient Jim went to work on Monday feeling as depressed as he felt depression made him feel sick most mornings (names and details changed). He spent the weekend alone, and his suicidal thoughts became more serious and specific than ever. His boss Edward was already at work. Jim tried to avoid him because Edward was usually unpleasant to the employees.

To Jim’s surprise, Edward said, “Good morning, Jim,” in a cheerful, casual manner, the way a friend might greet him. To add to his surprise, Edward continued, “How was your weekend?” Jim felt a slight hit lucklike distant fireworks in his chest. His usual restless and busy mind began to calm down.

Jim’s boss offered more than just a warm welcome; he verified it. Edward’s brief comments added a small piece to the sense of who Jim was. Jim felt like he had somehow become valuable in Edward’s life. Was restless to tell me, his psychiatrist, what happened and forget about his own suicidal thinks.

Of course, Jim’s situation was more complex than this single event. But what Jim received that morning probably saved his life, giving him enough strength to see his possible next steps. Because of this, Jim returned to treatment, which enabled me to change his medication and provide relief from his depression. His work in therapy she acted similarly.

Jim’s boss took the time to expand his world to include Jim, who was a good but quiet employee. Since this was not his boss’s usual behavior, Jim noticed and was touched by the gesture. Unfortunately, our contemporary culture seriously lacks such cross-social exchanges borders or convey even the smallest positive things to each other. We are told to maintain boundaries of privacy and security and, importantly, not to need to others to make us feel good about ourselves. Jim’s story opens the door to examining these assumptions.

The strict psychological definition of validation is the emotional communication by which someone’s thoughts, feelings, or experiences are heard and respected. Moreover, it is somehow passed back to the owner of the thought, etc.

I want to expand validation beyond this important definition to include comments that reflect the very fact that you are alive and matter in some way. I propose that small ways of interacting can have the same effect as our more intimate ways of relating. A good example is Edward’s “good morning.”

Just as a ruler cannot measure himself, we cannot fully evaluate ourselves with our own minds. We are partly dependent on the eyes of others. Originally it was our parents. Later, this role is played by our friends, colleagues and lovers, as well as people on the train or in the supermarket. What these people are telling you with their looks and smiles and greetings and comments about the weather is that you are important enough to acknowledge it and think about it, even for the briefest of moments. If someone says something unusual and positive about you, it’s an even higher step in communicating respect.

What if people are just acting nice or really don’t like you and are just being polite? Certainly, some people can act like robots when socializing. But in other situations, even if someone is not friendly towards you, they can still recognize you for who you are: a person worthy of appreciation. The result is civility.

Sense of self

The reason these affirming comments are so powerful is because they touch our sense of self. Your sense of self is the basic sense you have about who you are and what constitutes you as a person. We experience it as one feeling, but somehow we are aware of its separate parts. Your past experiences, what you have learned, the types of things you do and enjoy, and most importantly, your values ​​or what you consider important are the main ingredients.

As you can see from this list, our sense of self is not set in stone. It will change with experience, learning and many changes in normal life. Nevertheless, much of our sense of self is deeply rooted in us and will not budge no matter how difficult life may push it. This stubborn element is usually our strongest self-esteem. It’s no surprise that our sense of self will be a powerful determinant of how happy and fulfilled we are in life.

People suffering from depression have a different sense of self than most people. They may feel like they are worthless, a failure, or any combination of negative beliefs about their worth. They may also feel empty, empty, or have the impression that their self is so small and insignificant that they are insignificant.

It’s safe to say that our modern self is in crisis. The number of mental disorders, substance use and suicide is increasing. We rely on the Internet to be a different person and to live other people’s stories. We may even prefer a solitary existence, despite our desires loneliness. This is largely due to a sense of self that is unstable or has a negative outlook.

Although our sense of self is deeply internal, it gains a lot of strength and manifests its problems socially. Many of us lack a stable community of people with whom we have some connection, such as a shared experience. Family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, and the people we encounter throughout the day can create these connections ranging from casual to profound throughout our lives.

As ours social relations were severedas do most forms of validation. As validation disappeared, so did a stable, deep, and positive sense of self.

Loss of validation

So what do we do? Work a lot? Do you try to perform better until you exhaust yourself? Stay online for hours a day so you don’t feel lonely? Use drugs and alcohol feel good for a short time, dulling our true feelings and advances addiction?

These are contemporary attempts to solve this crisis of the self. They don’t work, as the modern world shows quite clearly.

Regardless of whether you are an ordinary citizen of the modern world or you suffer from a psychological problem, you care about validation from others. The way we tick is a simple fact. Validation is then internalized as part of your understanding of who you are. It can be something as powerful as a mother talking to her little child about how much she is loved, or it can be as simple as affirming her presence and value in a simple greeting. “Good morning”, “How was your weekend?” or “Happy Monday” will do the trick.

In fact, it is about their accumulation and durability keep most of us alive. Do you offer your own weekend story? Some people are actually private or quiet due to their temperament. However, many refrain from simple exchanges due to a misunderstanding of the value of boundaries.

Many self-help Sources tell us how to stop relying on others for validation and learn the value of boundaries. Not only is this a misconception of what boundaries are for, but it also goes against our nature. In psychology, we think about boundaries in the context of close, problematic relationships. But they are introduced into popular culture as a way of life. Modern culture teaches us that boundaries are the default setting that we should live with until there is a good reason to let our guard down.

“Why should I care what other people think?” is a common retort here. The answer is that you are a social being and what some people – not all – think is part of how your sense of self develops. It is part of your human heritage.

The lack of confirmation and the false belief that we should be able to cope without receiving it are modern pathologies resulting from our hasty, overdeveloped technoculture. We should open our eyes to the people around us and treat them, even for the briefest of moments, as if they mattered. By cultivating our connections with others, we can begin to expect the same.